top of page
Falsehoods 1: Interview with a marketing vampire.

October 2023 / by Cookhouse Hero

After watching Moby's Punk Rock Vegan Movie (2023), I got inspired by his use of the "what if" method in storytelling. What if Dark Forces were interviewed on how to create human, food animal, and planetary destruction? What would Big Marketing discuss with Big Food, Beverage, Law, Policy, Media, Education, and Medicine?

  • Real Food Recipes: BBC - Good Food shares classic-vegan Halloween and autumn recipes. LINK

  • In the News: Built Lean shows seven surprising facts about food-industry marketing lies. LINK

  • Feeding Families: Verywell Family educates caregivers about digital food marketing to kids. LINK

original (15).jfif
Falsehoods 1

(a snapshot into the sinister side of food systems)

CH BLOG - October 2023 / © by Cookhouse Hero / Reading time: 6.5 minutes

Note from CH: This article was fun (and cathartic) to write. I almost didn't publish it because it's longer than usual and leans toward a sardonic and almost ruthless tone. This fantasy interview is entertaining, informative, and ends on a message of HOPE!

Interview by Big Marketing with: Big Food, Big Beverage, Big Law, Big Policy, Big Education, Big Media, and Big Medicine.

     Big Marketing: First, I'd like to thank you all for joining our First Annual Food-Systems Meeting. I know how busy you've been, especially in the past seven decades. We've made a lot of progress over the years, but since the early 1990's, neuromarketing has been supporting our deliciously destructive endeavors even more. Big Food, Beverage, Law, Policy, Education, Medicine, and Media... give yourselves a round of hard-earned applause. 


     Your abilities to destroy human health, food animal welfare, and stable eco-systems is inspiring. Way to go! And Big Insurance and Big Agriculture said they couldn't make it today. They're even busier than us. Let's start with Big Medicine.

     Big Medicine: Well, it's been a great run. We've gained the blind obedience of ignorant populations, who don't seem to read or care that much about warnings and side-effects, including death. They also don't believe research that shows how ineffective many medicines and surgeries actually are. 


     And in the US and New Zealand, we can use TV marketing to push our sales. The rest of the world got wise to our tactics, but those two countries still allow this. Brilliant! We can report that Big Medicine is doing superlatively well and responsible for much of the mayhem.

     Big Media: Thank you, Big Medicine. You're a reliable partner for us, too. We're supporting pharma corporations all the way to the bank. Currently, we're helping paid-doctors say things like "obesity is 90% genetics" when the truth is that it's more like 10% to 20%. We're selling a new obesity drug called Wegovy and pushing the price up sky high. 


     Big Marketing is consistently supporting our efforts in diverting the conversation towards an easy fix like a pill or a surgery, paid by invisible insurance companies. We all know that humans tend to be skilled in the art of denial, and they also seem to hate change and discomfort. So, they continue to dive into an unhealthy and unwise diet and lifestyle. That's the whole point, right?

     Big Education: Exactly! We're contributing to our cause by not teaching doctors about nutrition, diet, and lifestyle factors in medical schools. Our talent is getting away with focusing on one agenda: pharma and surgery interventions over proven diet and lifestyle solutions. We also teach the Fear Factor, so that our graduates can earn more by prescribing pills and surgeries to their vulnerable patients. The best thing about humans is that they'll do anything if someone in a white jacket tells them to. 


     Take obesity for example. Instead of talking to patients about nutrient-dense plants and getting off the well-worn sofa, doctors assume that people won't take their advice about apples and artichokes. So they prescribe pills and procedures. By the way, we appreciate the funds and support from everyone. We couldn't pull this off without you. 

     Big Law: On our part, we became aware of the CBS 60 Minutes report that told as many deceptive lies as possible. The public ate it up. The report talked about the pill Wegovy as mentioned by Big Media, manufactured by Novo Nordisk. Because CBS is sponsored by this Danish pharmaceutical corporation, it's a slippery legal slope and conflict of interest. 


     In fact, the Physician's Committee for Responsible Medicine filed a legal complaint, which is stuck in our marvelously muddy legal bureaucracy of course. Now that's an organization we'd like to blow up. They're a nuisance like Forks Over Knives, Food Revolution Network, Nutrition Facts, Wellness Forum Health, Center for Nutrition Studies at Cornell University, and that new kid on the block... what's it called again? Oh yeah, Cookhouse Hero. Maybe even real threats. There are too many litigation cases to mention today, so we'll send a detailed report for your review.

No worries. Big Law is always working on shutting voices down. As you know, we're experts at this. Besides, whenever we lose a case, the penalty is pennies compared to our clients' annual revenues.


 Big Marketing: We look forward to your report and wish you Lucifer's speed on your projects! Gag the truth. Most people are too sick and tired and distrustful to even notice (all agree with snickers and sneers). Now let's hear from Big Food and Big Beverage. It's impressive what your marketing magic has done to humans. Your food and beverage porn works. 


     People are obese, sick from preventable and reversible chronic diseases, and they're dying all over the world. We're particularly impressed by your ability to reach previously healthy regions such as India and China, where death and disease from fast food, junk food, and sugar-chemical drinks are rapidly increasing. What are your strategies?


    Big Food: We'd say that the most significant and recent change is the creation of "crave-ability" and "bliss points" of foods. Our scientists are continuously developing the deadly triad of salt-sugar-fat which people can't seem to resist. It's a perfect storm for addiction. Awesome results happen especially with neuromarketing. Now we can contrive human behavior via images, sounds, and emotions to buy our crap. 


     We've even convinced many people that things like potato chips and French fries are a vegetable. What a salacious sight! Thanks to Big Marketing, our job is so much easier. Now we know how to create region-specific flavors to introduce our addictive products to even more people. Awesome.

     Big Beverage: Crave-ability and bliss points are also used in producing addictive drinks. Coca Cola is the king of this and we love them for it. Our industry is very lucrative, too. For example, we profit greatly in the juice sector. The public believes that juiced drinks are healthy, even though their fiber has been removed and many have lots of sugar. And many products also contain artificial ingredients like cancer-causing red dye 40. Reading labels never occurs to people. Idiots. 


     Plus, tax-payer subsidies keep our costs down as farmers continue to grow GMO corn, so that we can make high-fructose corn syrup. Places like McDonald's, another favorite, can then sell beverages at a low cost with a high profit margin. And bonus: we're successfully killing our oceans and waterways with single use and other plastics. Have you seen how fast the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is expanding and how toxic, marine eco-systems have created poisonous fish?  


     Big Marketing: Yes, we have. In fact, we've been selling seafood and fish as a healthy alternative to other animals... and getting away with it! Plus, because of the total acceptance of junk food, much of the good news regarding food-death focused on Big Food helps hide the wonderfully horrific effects of Big Beverage. The damage of many drinks generally slides under the radar in terms of public knowledge and understanding. Let's keep it that way. 

Now let's hear from Big Policy. Your efforts are even more secretive, even though what you do is in the public domain. I think I can speak for all of us in saying that we envy you.  

     Big Policy: Thank you. We're almost invisible. And although we've noticed a group of plant-powered concerned citizens, experts, and educators who fight us every day, we're still more powerful. These people are trying to expose our dietary guidelines, conflicts of interest, twisted research data, and lack of equitable funding. They discovered that our job is promoting human health, but naturally we favor Big Food, Beverage, Education, Medicine, and Ag. We love you guys. 


     We're committed to shoving our false agenda into people's minds and hearts, and making sure that corporate greed continues on its currently cruel trajectory. We're counting on people, who know exactly what we're doing, to eventually give up and go away. Humans are so boringly predictable. This is almost too effortless, even for us!

     Big Marketing: And with support from Big Media, it's clear that debunking plant-nutrition advocates is working. Humans are naïve. People are still eating and drinking crap with abandon, they're still glued to their social media portals and streaming services, and they're still popping pills and having surgeries that might have been prevented. 


     To conclude, here's our bottom line: today, 90% of humans are sick and dying of chronic conditions. These outcomes are exactly what we're all working on as a team. Let's set a target for 95% next year. Do you think you can manage that? 

All Attendees: Hell frickin' yes! We got this! It's so easy! Screw the planet! We're unstoppable!

     Big Marketing: Thank you for your hard work and toxic contributions. Great job everyone. We look forward to more premature deaths, cruelty to food animals, and global destruction in 2024 and beyond. You'll all be rewarded in... !

What to do?

It's clear to me that us humans are fed up with deception and sensory overload. We're likely food and/or beverage addicted and don't even know it. And, we're smarter and more capable than we think.


     Heavy sigh. Many of us are feeling deeply frustrated with deceptions perpetuated by Big Marketing and Company in regards to food, beverage, and food-systems information and education. In the plant-focused community, the general sense is that we're a truth-telling David to the food-systems Goliath. Although about 1/3 of the global population eats plants as their primary nutrition source, and although the vegetarian, plant-based, vegan, and WPF communities are growing rapidly... the power of Big Marketing, Food, Beverage, Law, Policy, Media, Education, Medicine (and Insurance and Agriculture) is getting louder and currently winning this battle (but not forever?!). Profits over people. Simple as that.

     Solutions? I've noticed a conundrum in the plant-powered world (for more info, see February 2023 Blog: Branding). On the one hand, we understand that nobody has the power to "make" someone wake up and change. People have to find their own path towards health and life-enriching education, and many have approached this topic with a "live and let live" viewpoint. Fair enough. On the other hand, people, food animals, and our planet need help now. This is seriously urgent.


     Finally, I've observed that informed people are reluctant to say the following publicly, but some aren't (including CH): we're likely beyond the tipping point, and the future looks bleak as we continue to cling to our comfort zones, denial, fear of change, gullibility, and unintentional addictions. The years 2030 and 2050 are targeted by experts as dates when the shite starts to exponentially hit the fan. That means there's an immediate need to TURN UP THE VOLUME and tone and frequency of our message. Please think critically. Learn about foods, beverages, and food-systems. Tell the truth fearlessly. Save the world. Every effort counts, from tiny to tremendous. The world needs our life-promoting voices.

About HOPE: During the Cold War era, one book diminished my level of fear, In a Dark Time (1984) LINK. It's about the psychology of war and encourages people to TAKE ACTION towards peace. One section illustrated when young people see grown-ups working towards changing the world, these kids sleep better at night and feel a sense of hope. I learned that we can't give up taking action. More importantly, I learned that giving up HOPE is dangerous for humans, animals, and our beautiful planet. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, take a break from the circus. That's cool. Then... try to get back into the ring. Every endeavor counts!

Click on the links below and learn more about marketing, food systems, and making smart choices!

bottom of page